Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
