happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
What a dumb baby whore.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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