I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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