So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
