Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
