I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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