toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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