I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
