Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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