My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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