I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
