i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
