I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
