someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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