Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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