so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
