it was like his penis was on wheels.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
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And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm at about main and main street
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
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I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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