his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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