I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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