I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
