In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
