theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
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i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
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