Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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