I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
