i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
