What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
