i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Shame - the story of my life.
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