I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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