Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
