so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
