I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
