no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
