If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
