I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
