I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We had sex on a dog bed..
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
