she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
