he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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