I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Damn victory sex feels great
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
