They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
two words...techno handjob
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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