I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
