so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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