loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
