Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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