How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
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On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
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We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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