You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
