so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
