so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
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If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
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I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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