Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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