Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
