I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
