dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
