If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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