I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
