walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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