i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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