My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
