when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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