how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
