so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
