First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
there is glitter all over my balls
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